Take A Seat

                                                                       The unrequited I looked into your eyes  and could see the sun setting  Adoration flooded my body and I found out it flooded yours  But it wasn't for me, it was for her.  My waterfall quickly turned into a puddle The water dried up and left the flowers in my body to search for the sunshine The punch in the gut of realziing  I speak your name and you speak hers  I wonder if she's more               more poised                             more interesting                                      more beautiful                                            more expierenced than me, to you.  I wonder why she captures your heart and I capture a moment.  So I took a break talked to a friend  and said amen  captured the attention of many more women and men  I fasted, abstained from sex  sexed it up yet still there was this deep question inside..  why am I not enough for you? 

Paper thin and hard as stone. And now it's 5 am where I am Got no sleep once again I try to lie and pretend that reality isn't looming over my head Still, insomnia plays a part because it hits me;  healing I can't find where you are? But I won't mask the pain Nor will I burry it in temporary pleasures No. Day by day.

The wind opens and closes the screen door she groans as she turns over to be met with the sun peaking through the window seal one eye still closed and pressed against the pillow where her silk scarf lays as she mumbles in her mind wondering the time she sees him getting dressed beside the bed His midnight eyes watched her as she lay in bed, he found her fumbling with the beginnings of the morning to be cute. They both smile at each other, saying with their silent mouths what doesn't need to be said out loud, "is she a morning person?" he wondered in his mind. He smiles, as he pulls the worn out jeans over his thighs, to hug at his hips. He bends down to kiss her softly on the forehead, knowing that the morning is scared to Mia. As wraps his arms around her body to communicate his longing to stay in the bed with her. Mia has become a safe place to Brown. She was fiercely independent, and quiet. She was an embodiment of peace that felt like a storm.

  What does it mean to be broken? To soak in what went wrong. To live in as state of disbelief? Been crying out for years Mourning over the trauma Crying out for healing And still I am here. Sitting in it. Still having the random bouts of anxiety over it. It seems like some just get whatever they ask for. They go though one. One heartbreak One devastating event And they pray And their life is restored It's almost like a magic trick. Maybe it's a secret I'm too far off to know The one ingredient that I keep missing Oh do I desperately want to know the secret. But it seems like my prayers are falling on deaf ears I'm mad and I'm honest I'm not asking for much I heard the saints say "if He did it for them, He'll do it for you" but it seems like my names been left out of the table maybe God forgot to pick my name from the cup it's written that hope deferred makes the heart sick Irregular beats, and punctured

                                                    And whatever you sow, that you shall reap  Racist America, this is your fault. this is the seeds that you have sown. and we are fed up.  3 months in and the world is on fire. The systematic oppression in this country against my people since we were stolen from our land and forced into labor to build this very nation is now reaping what  the white oppressors have sown. The countless murders of unarmed black Americans has enraged the nation to the point where we have forgotten that there is a pandemic going on. Thousands of people in every state gather to say that #BlackLivesMatter and fighting for justice and the police to be defunded and those who are guilty to be prosecuted. We are numb. We are enraged. We are sad. We are tired. And we are fighting.  When it comes to justice and doing the right thing that is Gods heart. Lord help us all.

Day 14 Kind of. My love for deep things and to understand complex questions has been filled this weekend. Really throughout week 7, as I explore topics of human nature, generational curses, blessings, and lust and love. It's quiet. The type of quiet where you can hear your neighbors on the phone you notice the cars that go and the seemingly empty apartments I feel the urge to grab my vice and let it waste my time but I choose not to settling in the quiet. I am safe.

Staying Aligned  Where is your mind at lately? What are you meditating on? What is truth Do you feel it in your body Does it appear in your back Sit still and know that you are safe be present and know time truly has no time

And so she choose courage  As she laid her head on the pillow she choose sleep instead of fear  fear can't follow her in her dreams 

inhale...  Do you know  the pain so deep  The grief that suffocates you  the regret that kicks you  or the lost that leaves you feeling paralyzed  where do I go from here there is a lost that feels deeper than any the lost  I can't escape it  nor can I ignore it  sometimes I wonder if it the waves of this reality  will take over what I thought was a 3 ft pool will it turn into the ocean? with waves roaring  can it be controlled?  exhale. 

  To whom it may concern ..... I put aside all my fears Part of me had to die so a part of me gets to live Nothing without God, nothing without my fam Sorry for my absence, hope y'all understand All that meditation that I did, all that beasting in the gym All this energy inside I got to give Back and I'm better than y'all, ready whenever the call They expecting me to fold, friends turn into ya' foes Kept focus on the goals, mind, body and the soul New me, it's a new day, that's another story untold

8:24 PM A night with mama she is loving and kind silly and full of life and she's my biggest cheerleader Although yesterday was kind of rough for me because I was so tired and vulnerable today I was rested and at peace. "God is my shield..." Psalm 7:10 China tea cup from granny

9:14 am. .. There is a love that's already given there is a grace that I could not earn You pour out mercy morning by morning your goodness follows me all of my days so what do I have that hasn't been given? what do I need that you don't supply? you feed the sparrow you clothe the Lilly and they do not worry so neither will I You are faithful, God. Psalm 6 A Psalm of David, to be accompanied by an eight stringed instrument 1  O  Lord , don’t rebuke me in your anger      or discipline me in your rage. 2  Have compassion on me,  Lord , for I am weak.      Heal me,  Lord , for my bones are in agony. 3  I am sick at heart.      How long, O  Lord , until you restore me? 4  Return, O  Lord , and rescue me.      Save me because of your unfailing love. 5  For the dead do not remember you.      Who can praise you from the grave? [ b ] 6  I am worn out from sobbing.      All night I flood my bed with weep

7:03 am I'm quicker on my feet  I can see the lies of the enemy trying to push me into shame in my thoughts and I recognize it sooner instead of letting those thoughts fester  I'm able to make those thoughts obey to truth The side effects .  I've been doing yoga with Kassandra over the past few weeks. She has 10 minute stretching sessions in the mornings and I am really enjoying it. 

There was a time when I questioned if I could ever trust again After the storm? Would I even want to? Would it be possible for me to love? Until I met him. I always wondered if "him" was someone I could actually meet You make me feel safe, in a way that I didn't know was humanly possible. Humans have become iffy to me, but you. He's honest, and raw. He's an honorable man with a good character And that's what I needed, and silently yearned for,  I love you You're a God-sent I'm thankful for the mending of my heart, and the binding of my wounds. I am thankful for the Lords healing    me, without it I wouldn't be able to love you.

No, not tonight. No. That's enough Stop. No is a complete sentence. I'm sitting here wondering why men feel entitled to a womans body. Why can they name every area a woman goes wrong, but refuses to see themselves in the mirror But don't feel bad as a woman. Don't feel pressured to fake like you like his advances. Don't feel bad for saying what you feel Don't feel like you're being seen in a new light. HE embarrassed himself.

8:31 PM Jonathan Ogden Playing in the background. worship session from 4 days ago.  Let's get into it  Today, I woke up feeling groggy and upset that I didn't get the sleep I wanted.  Now that I'm not on social media, I'm seeing my underlying patterns.  The need to listen to something at night, bothers me.  I mean, I know it must be normal but for some reason it bothers me. I don't want to be dependent on those things. So bravo to me for being aware.  Now I need Jesus to help me overcome those things.  Productivity This area has gotten better for me this week. This makes week 6 of working from home, and I am determined to learn what I can about working from home, being productive, and getting things done in a timely manner and in great quality. I was so zoned in at work, that I had to get up from my desk and take 2 walks today. the walks were nice. I have been listening to my "WIN" playlist, and Ace hood is really doing it for

Before I was black, I was hidden in Christ. Before I knew my mother and father, I was hidden in Christ. Before trauma, I was hidden in Christ. Therefore, my allegiance, loyalty and true identity is not found in the outer self. But in Christ. Ephesians 1:4

Damn, I realized how many times I check, touch, and look at my phone. this is day 3 without social media, and I realize it every day. Maybe even every few hours that I am not on social media. I stopped being on social media because I have been feeling every urge to constantly check it every single day, and by the year it just gets worse. I went from having fun on it and being able to leave my phone at home in my early college days to consciously making a decision to not check my dms, comments, and see who "liked" my pic to in 2017 checking it because of feeling anxiety come on to now even checking it while I'm driving, and even the first thing I do when I wake up. Yikes I know. So today is day 3. I started reading a book "How to break up with your phone". And I intend on documenting my experience. Day 1 was good, I felt refreshed and my mom and Jaylon came over. Day 2, I started to think about some of the broken relationships, wondering

4.16.20 I am constantly torn between wanting to exist like my phone doesn't exist, and being so attached to it bothers me. But today was a good day. I wasn't on my phone as much. The sun was shining and I was able to focus more on my work. And even got some good rest. I took a nice bath, listened to some India Arie, and sat at my desk to get some more work done. it kind of felt like I was in college again. the first time.

4:07 PM Tuesday April 7, 2020 I'm feeling hyper, energetic, and very hard to concentrate. I can live in my mind, so I have to be careful about that. Sometimes I'll see my hair in the corner of my eye and feel fear for a second. I've gone for 2 walks today, and an extra walk to the amazon hub to pick up a package. It wasn't none of the packages I was expecting, once again. I light up every time I see that notification about a new package! only to be another hello fresh package. but I'm grateful for that. Grateful to have a job, steady income, food in my fridge, and organs working correctly to digest it and a home to enjoy it in. There's truly a lot to be thankful for. I feel my mind shifting now. there's so much uncertainty around this pandemic. This week was projected to be the worst one yet in America. But week 3 was the week for me where I began to mourn. Anxiety was heightened, I didn't feel like reading my bible, praying, work

  I'm writing on my phone at a stop light in Norman, because I don't want to forget what I just experienced. I feel things coming together for me. Decolonize data. Health Equity, and people of color. I've never felt more seen and heard more at my time at my job than I have when Abigail Echo-Hawk was here. Her words were captivating, her heart was on fire, and she opened the eyes of everyone in the room. Things often get white washed by white eyes and it pisses me off. Abigail said everything I have been trying to tell my white colleagues and more in such an eloquent way that bought tears to my eyes. I hope that I can speak to crowds like she does, and make strides in the lives of my people.

I've been trigged again, Maybe it's all of the podcast I've been listening to.... The Read, the sex jokes, msm, and flashbacks to 2017 makes me want to go back to that moment and wish it all away, or wish death on the man that caused me so much pain. Around 6 am I saw a notification on my phone from Abide about shame. Colossians 1:21-22 God sees me as holy and blameless, he doesn't see the worse in me, nor my mistakes that I have beaten myself up for over and over in my head... So I'm not going to be distracted or live in the past. Been there done that. With God, I am healed and He is healing my mind, emotions, perspective, thoughts, and body. I can be free, I am free.

Logging off  I have felt my unhealthy relationship to my phone grow year by year. I feel the urges to reach for my phone, I feel the fatigue of looking at my phone when I'm tired, and I have felt the need to scroll through my timeline while I was anxious.   I once could leave my phone at home while running an errand, post a picture on instagram and not check it for another day I now find myself constantly checking my timeline and notifications. My obsession with checking my phone makes me sick.  It's like living in this virtual reality, and it's weird. I feel so disconnected, I feel like too many people have access to me without having real access to me, I feel like people who have my phone number think contacting me through social media is actually reaching out, and I do the same at times. I don't want to be that person, I want to be present, focused, I want to be the person to foster the relationships in real life. Finishing books. Imagine, goin