Take A Seat

 Let's talk about my top 5 books of 2021 and why I think you should read them.  5.  A book on a love that is actualized In 2020, I needed a hard reset. I think most of us can say that we needed a break from the harsh reality we faced every day. As an honoree mention, Toni Morrisons God Save the Child was one of my first fiction books I decided to dive into as I started my reading to escape/for pleasure escapade. Real Men Knit takes place in New York, where childhood friends come together after the death of an elder who was cherished in the community. This is a short read that gives you the sweet ending we all like to visit from time to time.  4.  A book that talks about an average black girl with a not so average expierence   Okay this book was so good, and so fun to read! I listened to this on audible and the narrator was EVERYTHING. I honestly couldn't put it down. This book shows multiple parallels in our world. On one end, we have a mid 20's black woman...

 Love, or the pursuit of finding it.  I find myself wondering why love has become elusive  The open mouth of comparison waits, hungry to swallow me up as I watch the entire world find love so easily. While I show up as genuine, loving and authentic as I can only for love to hide from me  Left with the remnants of empty words, and a heart that is still willing to give so freely I look down at my empty hands and up at the blue sky I think of my father, and his father.. and his father... the games they played with women and the mistreatment of their previous partners and wonder if this is what I suffer from? The consequences of their actions on their daughter?  When did love become elusive? 

 Over the last few years, this question keeps coming to my mind. Who are you? Who are you becoming? Is this right? Growing up as a rule follower, a Jesus believer, and a recovering perfectionist I was damn near programed to judge myself. I say judge in a loose way because this can be helpful and be more of an introspective way, but also can be bad in a self critical way. As I am evolving, healing from traumas, and building again.. my mindsets are different. I question my beliefs, morals, and things I onced valued so much. Looking at ideals and sexuality and masturbation, and astrology, and not demonizing other religions. But my part of my brain that was so indoctrinated with Christian beliefs is still in my mind. I can't help but think about them and how they pop up and damn me to hell for lying, or having sex, or looking at horoscopes.  It's like an image of something out to get me.. and it's all rooted in fear. I don't really feel in my body right now. it's like I...

 How can I trust again? After disappointment after disappointment  Feeling used and undervalued Where do I start?  I think by putting one foot in front of the other.  Believing that there are people out there that will really see you.  And you'll want to see them too.

                                                                       The unrequited I looked into your eyes  and could see the sun setting  Adoration flooded my body and I found out it flooded yours  But it wasn't for me, it was for her.  My waterfall quickly turned into a puddle The water dried up and left the flowers in my body to search for the sunshine The punch in the gut of realziing  I speak your name and you speak hers  I wonder if she's more               more poised                             more interesting                                      more beautiful  ...

Paper thin and hard as stone. And now it's 5 am where I am Got no sleep once again I try to lie and pretend that reality isn't looming over my head Still, insomnia plays a part because it hits me;  healing I can't find where you are? But I won't mask the pain Nor will I burry it in temporary pleasures No. Day by day.

The wind opens and closes the screen door she groans as she turns over to be met with the sun peaking through the window seal one eye still closed and pressed against the pillow where her silk scarf lays as she mumbles in her mind wondering the time she sees him getting dressed beside the bed His midnight eyes watched her as she lay in bed, he found her fumbling with the beginnings of the morning to be cute. They both smile at each other, saying with their silent mouths what doesn't need to be said out loud, "is she a morning person?" he wondered in his mind. He smiles, as he pulls the worn out jeans over his thighs, to hug at his hips. He bends down to kiss her softly on the forehead, knowing that the morning is scared to Mia. As wraps his arms around her body to communicate his longing to stay in the bed with her. Mia has become a safe place to Brown. She was fiercely independent, and quiet. She was an embodiment of peace that felt like a storm. ...

  What does it mean to be broken? To soak in what went wrong. To live in as state of disbelief? Been crying out for years Mourning over the trauma Crying out for healing And still I am here. Sitting in it. Still having the random bouts of anxiety over it. It seems like some just get whatever they ask for. They go though one. One heartbreak One devastating event And they pray And their life is restored It's almost like a magic trick. Maybe it's a secret I'm too far off to know The one ingredient that I keep missing Oh do I desperately want to know the secret. But it seems like my prayers are falling on deaf ears I'm mad and I'm honest I'm not asking for much I heard the saints say "if He did it for them, He'll do it for you" but it seems like my names been left out of the table maybe God forgot to pick my name from the cup it's written that hope deferred makes the heart sick Irregular beats, and punctured...

                                                    And whatever you sow, that you shall reap  Racist America, this is your fault. this is the seeds that you have sown. and we are fed up.  3 months in and the world is on fire. The systematic oppression in this country against my people since we were stolen from our land and forced into labor to build this very nation is now reaping what  the white oppressors have sown. The countless murders of unarmed black Americans has enraged the nation to the point where we have forgotten that there is a pandemic going on. Thousands of people in every state gather to say that #BlackLivesMatter and fighting for justice and the police to be defunded and those who are guilty to be prosecuted. We are numb. We are enraged. We are sad. We are tired. And we are fighting.  When it comes ...

Day 14 Kind of. My love for deep things and to understand complex questions has been filled this weekend. Really throughout week 7, as I explore topics of human nature, generational curses, blessings, and lust and love. It's quiet. The type of quiet where you can hear your neighbors on the phone you notice the cars that go and the seemingly empty apartments I feel the urge to grab my vice and let it waste my time but I choose not to settling in the quiet. I am safe.

Staying Aligned  Where is your mind at lately? What are you meditating on? What is truth Do you feel it in your body Does it appear in your back Sit still and know that you are safe be present and know time truly has no time

And so she choose courage  As she laid her head on the pillow she choose sleep instead of fear  fear can't follow her in her dreams 

inhale...  Do you know  the pain so deep  The grief that suffocates you  the regret that kicks you  or the lost that leaves you feeling paralyzed  where do I go from here there is a lost that feels deeper than any the lost  I can't escape it  nor can I ignore it  sometimes I wonder if it the waves of this reality  will take over what I thought was a 3 ft pool will it turn into the ocean? with waves roaring  can it be controlled?  exhale. 

  To whom it may concern ..... I put aside all my fears Part of me had to die so a part of me gets to live Nothing without God, nothing without my fam Sorry for my absence, hope y'all understand All that meditation that I did, all that beasting in the gym All this energy inside I got to give Back and I'm better than y'all, ready whenever the call They expecting me to fold, friends turn into ya' foes Kept focus on the goals, mind, body and the soul New me, it's a new day, that's another story untold

8:24 PM A night with mama she is loving and kind silly and full of life and she's my biggest cheerleader Although yesterday was kind of rough for me because I was so tired and vulnerable today I was rested and at peace. "God is my shield..." Psalm 7:10 China tea cup from granny

9:14 am. .. There is a love that's already given there is a grace that I could not earn You pour out mercy morning by morning your goodness follows me all of my days so what do I have that hasn't been given? what do I need that you don't supply? you feed the sparrow you clothe the Lilly and they do not worry so neither will I You are faithful, God. Psalm 6 A Psalm of David, to be accompanied by an eight stringed instrument 1  O  Lord , don’t rebuke me in your anger      or discipline me in your rage. 2  Have compassion on me,  Lord , for I am weak.      Heal me,  Lord , for my bones are in agony. 3  I am sick at heart.      How long, O  Lord , until you restore me? 4  Return, O  Lord , and rescue me.      Save me because of your unfailing love. 5  For the dead do not remember you.      Who can ...

7:03 am I'm quicker on my feet  I can see the lies of the enemy trying to push me into shame in my thoughts and I recognize it sooner instead of letting those thoughts fester  I'm able to make those thoughts obey to truth The side effects .  I've been doing yoga with Kassandra over the past few weeks. She has 10 minute stretching sessions in the mornings and I am really enjoying it. 

There was a time when I questioned if I could ever trust again After the storm? Would I even want to? Would it be possible for me to love? Until I met him. I always wondered if "him" was someone I could actually meet You make me feel safe, in a way that I didn't know was humanly possible. Humans have become iffy to me, but you. He's honest, and raw. He's an honorable man with a good character And that's what I needed, and silently yearned for,  I love you You're a God-sent I'm thankful for the mending of my heart, and the binding of my wounds. I am thankful for the Lords healing    me, without it I wouldn't be able to love you.

No, not tonight. No. That's enough Stop. No is a complete sentence. I'm sitting here wondering why men feel entitled to a womans body. Why can they name every area a woman goes wrong, but refuses to see themselves in the mirror But don't feel bad as a woman. Don't feel pressured to fake like you like his advances. Don't feel bad for saying what you feel Don't feel like you're being seen in a new light. HE embarrassed himself.

8:31 PM Jonathan Ogden Playing in the background. worship session from 4 days ago.  Let's get into it  Today, I woke up feeling groggy and upset that I didn't get the sleep I wanted.  Now that I'm not on social media, I'm seeing my underlying patterns.  The need to listen to something at night, bothers me.  I mean, I know it must be normal but for some reason it bothers me. I don't want to be dependent on those things. So bravo to me for being aware.  Now I need Jesus to help me overcome those things.  Productivity This area has gotten better for me this week. This makes week 6 of working from home, and I am determined to learn what I can about working from home, being productive, and getting things done in a timely manner and in great quality. I was so zoned in at work, that I had to get up from my desk and take 2 walks today. the walks were nice. I have been listening to my "WIN" playlist, and Ace hood is really doing it ...