Who are you?

 Over the last few years, this question keeps coming to my mind. Who are you? Who are you becoming? Is this right? Growing up as a rule follower, a Jesus believer, and a recovering perfectionist I was damn near programed to judge myself. I say judge in a loose way because this can be helpful and be more of an introspective way, but also can be bad in a self critical way.

As I am evolving, healing from traumas, and building again.. my mindsets are different. I question my beliefs, morals, and things I onced valued so much. Looking at ideals and sexuality and masturbation, and astrology, and not demonizing other religions. But my part of my brain that was so indoctrinated with Christian beliefs is still in my mind. I can't help but think about them and how they pop up and damn me to hell for lying, or having sex, or looking at horoscopes. 

It's like an image of something out to get me.. and it's all rooted in fear. I don't really feel in my body right now. it's like I feel disconnected in many ways.. online and social media, with my extended family, and with some friends, even though I just spoke with them a few days ago. It's difficult emotions. And even now, it feels like I want to be close, but also want space.. and idk where that comes from. Like not getting too close, or not putting too much in. And let's not even talk about the pregnancy thoughts that have been going through my mind these last few weeks. Yeah, I had unprotected sex with and old person and let him cum in me. Thinking back on how I "should have got pregnant by him" mixed with a fear of not finding someone and wanting it, I did it. But since then have been hyper aware of my period, and body, what motherhood would look like for me, and all of that being very anxiety inducing. 

I guess I just imagined certain things to be different.. and thinking on how trauma has inpacted me calls for me to give compassion to myself..