Take A Seat

 Over the last few years, this question keeps coming to my mind. Who are you? Who are you becoming? Is this right? Growing up as a rule follower, a Jesus believer, and a recovering perfectionist I was damn near programed to judge myself. I say judge in a loose way because this can be helpful and be more of an introspective way, but also can be bad in a self critical way. As I am evolving, healing from traumas, and building again.. my mindsets are different. I question my beliefs, morals, and things I onced valued so much. Looking at ideals and sexuality and masturbation, and astrology, and not demonizing other religions. But my part of my brain that was so indoctrinated with Christian beliefs is still in my mind. I can't help but think about them and how they pop up and damn me to hell for lying, or having sex, or looking at horoscopes.  It's like an image of something out to get me.. and it's all rooted in fear. I don't really feel in my body right now. it's like I...

 How can I trust again? After disappointment after disappointment  Feeling used and undervalued Where do I start?  I think by putting one foot in front of the other.  Believing that there are people out there that will really see you.  And you'll want to see them too.

                                                                       The unrequited I looked into your eyes  and could see the sun setting  Adoration flooded my body and I found out it flooded yours  But it wasn't for me, it was for her.  My waterfall quickly turned into a puddle The water dried up and left the flowers in my body to search for the sunshine The punch in the gut of realziing  I speak your name and you speak hers  I wonder if she's more               more poised                             more interesting                                      more beautiful  ...

Paper thin and hard as stone. And now it's 5 am where I am Got no sleep once again I try to lie and pretend that reality isn't looming over my head Still, insomnia plays a part because it hits me;  healing I can't find where you are? But I won't mask the pain Nor will I burry it in temporary pleasures No. Day by day.

The wind opens and closes the screen door she groans as she turns over to be met with the sun peaking through the window seal one eye still closed and pressed against the pillow where her silk scarf lays as she mumbles in her mind wondering the time she sees him getting dressed beside the bed His midnight eyes watched her as she lay in bed, he found her fumbling with the beginnings of the morning to be cute. They both smile at each other, saying with their silent mouths what doesn't need to be said out loud, "is she a morning person?" he wondered in his mind. He smiles, as he pulls the worn out jeans over his thighs, to hug at his hips. He bends down to kiss her softly on the forehead, knowing that the morning is scared to Mia. As wraps his arms around her body to communicate his longing to stay in the bed with her. Mia has become a safe place to Brown. She was fiercely independent, and quiet. She was an embodiment of peace that felt like a storm. ...

  What does it mean to be broken? To soak in what went wrong. To live in as state of disbelief? Been crying out for years Mourning over the trauma Crying out for healing And still I am here. Sitting in it. Still having the random bouts of anxiety over it. It seems like some just get whatever they ask for. They go though one. One heartbreak One devastating event And they pray And their life is restored It's almost like a magic trick. Maybe it's a secret I'm too far off to know The one ingredient that I keep missing Oh do I desperately want to know the secret. But it seems like my prayers are falling on deaf ears I'm mad and I'm honest I'm not asking for much I heard the saints say "if He did it for them, He'll do it for you" but it seems like my names been left out of the table maybe God forgot to pick my name from the cup it's written that hope deferred makes the heart sick Irregular beats, and punctured...

                                                    And whatever you sow, that you shall reap  Racist America, this is your fault. this is the seeds that you have sown. and we are fed up.  3 months in and the world is on fire. The systematic oppression in this country against my people since we were stolen from our land and forced into labor to build this very nation is now reaping what  the white oppressors have sown. The countless murders of unarmed black Americans has enraged the nation to the point where we have forgotten that there is a pandemic going on. Thousands of people in every state gather to say that #BlackLivesMatter and fighting for justice and the police to be defunded and those who are guilty to be prosecuted. We are numb. We are enraged. We are sad. We are tired. And we are fighting.  When it comes ...