Take A Seat

inhale...  Do you know  the pain so deep  The grief that suffocates you  the regret that kicks you  or the lost that leaves you feeling paralyzed  where do I go from here there is a lost that feels deeper than any the lost  I can't escape it  nor can I ignore it  sometimes I wonder if it the waves of this reality  will take over what I thought was a 3 ft pool will it turn into the ocean? with waves roaring  can it be controlled?  exhale. 

  To whom it may concern ..... I put aside all my fears Part of me had to die so a part of me gets to live Nothing without God, nothing without my fam Sorry for my absence, hope y'all understand All that meditation that I did, all that beasting in the gym All this energy inside I got to give Back and I'm better than y'all, ready whenever the call They expecting me to fold, friends turn into ya' foes Kept focus on the goals, mind, body and the soul New me, it's a new day, that's another story untold

8:24 PM A night with mama she is loving and kind silly and full of life and she's my biggest cheerleader Although yesterday was kind of rough for me because I was so tired and vulnerable today I was rested and at peace. "God is my shield..." Psalm 7:10 China tea cup from granny

9:14 am. .. There is a love that's already given there is a grace that I could not earn You pour out mercy morning by morning your goodness follows me all of my days so what do I have that hasn't been given? what do I need that you don't supply? you feed the sparrow you clothe the Lilly and they do not worry so neither will I You are faithful, God. Psalm 6 A Psalm of David, to be accompanied by an eight stringed instrument 1  O  Lord , don’t rebuke me in your anger      or discipline me in your rage. 2  Have compassion on me,  Lord , for I am weak.      Heal me,  Lord , for my bones are in agony. 3  I am sick at heart.      How long, O  Lord , until you restore me? 4  Return, O  Lord , and rescue me.      Save me because of your unfailing love. 5  For the dead do not remember you.      Who can ...

7:03 am I'm quicker on my feet  I can see the lies of the enemy trying to push me into shame in my thoughts and I recognize it sooner instead of letting those thoughts fester  I'm able to make those thoughts obey to truth The side effects .  I've been doing yoga with Kassandra over the past few weeks. She has 10 minute stretching sessions in the mornings and I am really enjoying it. 

There was a time when I questioned if I could ever trust again After the storm? Would I even want to? Would it be possible for me to love? Until I met him. I always wondered if "him" was someone I could actually meet You make me feel safe, in a way that I didn't know was humanly possible. Humans have become iffy to me, but you. He's honest, and raw. He's an honorable man with a good character And that's what I needed, and silently yearned for,  I love you You're a God-sent I'm thankful for the mending of my heart, and the binding of my wounds. I am thankful for the Lords healing    me, without it I wouldn't be able to love you.

No, not tonight. No. That's enough Stop. No is a complete sentence. I'm sitting here wondering why men feel entitled to a womans body. Why can they name every area a woman goes wrong, but refuses to see themselves in the mirror But don't feel bad as a woman. Don't feel pressured to fake like you like his advances. Don't feel bad for saying what you feel Don't feel like you're being seen in a new light. HE embarrassed himself.

8:31 PM Jonathan Ogden Playing in the background. worship session from 4 days ago.  Let's get into it  Today, I woke up feeling groggy and upset that I didn't get the sleep I wanted.  Now that I'm not on social media, I'm seeing my underlying patterns.  The need to listen to something at night, bothers me.  I mean, I know it must be normal but for some reason it bothers me. I don't want to be dependent on those things. So bravo to me for being aware.  Now I need Jesus to help me overcome those things.  Productivity This area has gotten better for me this week. This makes week 6 of working from home, and I am determined to learn what I can about working from home, being productive, and getting things done in a timely manner and in great quality. I was so zoned in at work, that I had to get up from my desk and take 2 walks today. the walks were nice. I have been listening to my "WIN" playlist, and Ace hood is really doing it ...

Before I was black, I was hidden in Christ. Before I knew my mother and father, I was hidden in Christ. Before trauma, I was hidden in Christ. Therefore, my allegiance, loyalty and true identity is not found in the outer self. But in Christ. Ephesians 1:4

Damn, I realized how many times I check, touch, and look at my phone. this is day 3 without social media, and I realize it every day. Maybe even every few hours that I am not on social media. I stopped being on social media because I have been feeling every urge to constantly check it every single day, and by the year it just gets worse. I went from having fun on it and being able to leave my phone at home in my early college days to consciously making a decision to not check my dms, comments, and see who "liked" my pic to in 2017 checking it because of feeling anxiety come on to now even checking it while I'm driving, and even the first thing I do when I wake up. Yikes I know. So today is day 3. I started reading a book "How to break up with your phone". And I intend on documenting my experience. Day 1 was good, I felt refreshed and my mom and Jaylon came over. Day 2, I started to think about some of the broken relationships, wondering ...

4.16.20 I am constantly torn between wanting to exist like my phone doesn't exist, and being so attached to it bothers me. But today was a good day. I wasn't on my phone as much. The sun was shining and I was able to focus more on my work. And even got some good rest. I took a nice bath, listened to some India Arie, and sat at my desk to get some more work done. it kind of felt like I was in college again. the first time.

4:07 PM Tuesday April 7, 2020 I'm feeling hyper, energetic, and very hard to concentrate. I can live in my mind, so I have to be careful about that. Sometimes I'll see my hair in the corner of my eye and feel fear for a second. I've gone for 2 walks today, and an extra walk to the amazon hub to pick up a package. It wasn't none of the packages I was expecting, once again. I light up every time I see that notification about a new package! only to be another hello fresh package. but I'm grateful for that. Grateful to have a job, steady income, food in my fridge, and organs working correctly to digest it and a home to enjoy it in. There's truly a lot to be thankful for. I feel my mind shifting now. there's so much uncertainty around this pandemic. This week was projected to be the worst one yet in America. But week 3 was the week for me where I began to mourn. Anxiety was heightened, I didn't feel like reading my bible, praying, work...